In order I found peace

We are all the same. We seek to understand and be understood. Understanding others, our surroundings or ourselves is not easy. So our life is one big race. We over schedule, compensate and leave little to no space for quiet time. As that is not a priority, or is it?

The pressures of life drive our brain to run on autopilot. Living a life desensitised; one where we’re never truly awake. This is to no surprise; what alternative do we have? As modern-day human beings this has become, almost, a survival mechanism. So, we become used to, or even, normalise, a living that is poor in thought and reflection. Let’s be honest; being alone with your unresolved feelings is uncomfortable. So we self-sooth by indulging in distractions; solutions that carry a very short expiry date. Primal instincts of fear kick in. Maybe, who knows? Maybe the key to a peaceful, blissful mind is simpler than we might think.

In my early adolescence I came to terms with experiences that left me helpless and powerless. I felt emotionally disarmed. My life took twists and turns that I simply could not control. The control factor is serious business, my friend. How do you feel when you have no control? Angry? Afraid? Numb? It took years for me to realise and understand my only option; to simply accept what I so desperately wanted to change. How could I ever embrace what I wanted to resist? This was one of the most powerful and life-changing decisions that I took on my journey. But how do you accept? It’s more than just words, isn’t it?

To find true acceptance you need honesty with your feelings. I still remember the day. The day I had a light-bulb moment. The day I started to heal physically and spiritually. It all started by coming across this popular quote, or prayer, online. It wasn’t new; I read it before. But this time, for some reason, it was different. I found comfort in reading and re-reading it; over and over, until it made complete sense.

True acceptance and healing was not just about accepting the events that were outside of my control. It was actively engaging in changing what I could change in my life. I understood that I was not helpless at all. Please note, that there is no obvious right way to feel. But I can change how an event makes me feel. True acceptance for me, was no longer just about passively accepting the events outside of me. It became a way of finally gaining control, managing my feelings and finding emotional freedom. I had always known that my mind was a powerful tool. But there was an even bigger force that could drive my mind. It was my spirit.

So I started by prioritising my thinking time, prayer and meditation. I made time to organise, categorise and declutter my life experiences and feelings. I let go of material and emotional baggage that had been weighing me down for years. Gradually. Painfully. My organised thoughts motivated me to organise my surroundings. Or was it the other way round? I found comfort in organising, decorating and creating a stable, loving and soothing family home. A home that nurtured and restored my spirit. I pursued old hobbies and discovered new interests, like gardening, yoga and design. The panic attacks started to subside.

The foundations of my life became simplicity and peace. As an adult, after so many years, I still struggle with being flexible. I still can’t cope well with unplanned change. I am not perfect. I will never be. I don’t want to be. I am imperfect. I will always be unfinished or damaged in some way. I will always need to restore or be restored. Because I am human and I am grateful for that. That is the resolution of our short human life.